Tapestry of Wisdom: Grief, a curated collection
At a retreat I facilitated last month, we explored the topic of grief, using poetry, art, and scripture as prisms to refract deep truths in fresh ways. These are some threads I’ve been following in the tapestry of wisdom about grief. I’m offering these here because grief is a human experience that touches us all.
Wisdom on Grief
Brene Brown’s book, “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience,” is our new collective guide to the language of emotion. It has surprised me that, even as a deeply emotional, heart-centered being, I haven’t truly grasped the precise meanings of words I’ve been using to name emotions in their specificity, and how impactful it has been as I begin to share common language about emotions with the people in my life. Brown also released an HBO Max series on Atlas of the Heart.
The children’s book The Heart and The Bottle is a playful, evocative way to invite both adults and kids to enter into a discussion of grief. Experience the story read aloud in this video.
I’ve been listening to this YouTube reading of Mary Oliver’s “Love Sorrow.” This poem plunges us into the heart of metaphor, almost uncomfortably so, which challenges us to resist intellectualizing grief.
On her short, new pod, Kelly Corrigan reads a eulogy every Sunday. This weekly reminder is becoming a part of my rhythm to stay mindful of the bigger picture. This one is a beauty. And the last few minutes of this one move me to tears every time I listen. This episode was released the day I’m writing this post, and I’m undone by it.
Listening to the story of a life well-lived, and using that story as a lens to contemplate my own life, reminds me of the David Brooks concept that Josh Radnor and Rob Bell highlight—the distinction between “Resumé Virtues” and “Eulogy Virtues.” (I love the whole episode, but you’ll find this reference around minute 42:15).
Whether the grief that is most acute to us now is a lost loved one, a lost faith community, a lost dream, or a lost self-image we’ve been clinging to, attuning to our sense of it can help us bear witness to our experience.
My friend Greg practices honesty and asks himself vulnerable questions in his poem called “Skimming Along the Surface.” Here’s an excerpt:
“So what lurks in the depths that scares me so?
That keeps me skimming along the surface of who I am?
What discovery am I so fearful of?
That I am a vapor?
That, “I’m not lovable”, is a truth?
That I do not love myself?
What if I took a deep breath?
Filled my lungs with the air then plunged into the depths –
exploring the world that scares me so?
What if I risked opening my eyes?
maybe it is in the depths where I will see most clearly;
see myself most clearly…”
This blog post by trauma-informed spiritual director, Shannon Michael Pater, on “Glancing at Grief.” He writes, “Grief isn’t something we let go of. It becomes a part of the weave of our human fabric; it’s in our body, our nervous system. We often do not know how to attend to our own grief; we certainly frequently fail in staying present with those who mourn.”
Eugene Peterson speaks to Krista Tippett on the power of holding people in the inevitable dark times of their lives and the way the Psalms, in particular, invite us to honestly express the fullness and intensity of our darkest emotions (36:50 in the unedited episode).
Carvell Wallace’s exquisite storytelling on his 10-episode produced podcast, Finding Fred, introduced me to the broad and transformative influence of Fred Rogers. This episode illustrates the way Mr. Rogers “pastored” children (and adults) in the way he was with them in grief—his loving presence, the way he normalized grief, and his simple language. Throughout the series, Wallace features audio from Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, his own reflections, and interviews with folks who tell of Mr. Rogers’ particular impact. There are names you may recognize on his interview list, including Ashley C. Ford, W. Kamau Bell, and Rev. Angel Kyodo Williams. The stories told in the final episode feel deeply resonant with my image of spiritual direction.
Finally, this video of Daniel Tiger and Lady Aberlin from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood is a gem I return to often as a reminder of how we can accompany each other through grief and doubt. Instead of “cheering up” a loved one or moving on quickly after they share, we can listen to and harmonize with the lament of another in a way that reminds them of the beauty we see in them now, in this very moment, and makes space for them to sing their honest, sad song as long as they need to.
Would you like some company or gentle guidance as you “gaze with kindness” at your experience? Kirsten offers spacious accompaniment and trauma-informed spiritual direction. I’d love to hear what’s stirring in you and meet with you for a free exploration session.
