We are born with a need to be connected; to depend on other human beings to meet our needs in infancy and childhood.

We are also born with innate bodily wisdom, which Dr. Gabor Maté describes as “knowing what we feel and being able to act on it.”

But because being connected to others is a non-negotiable need, we learn to disconnect from our wisdom at a young age when we perceive it threatens our connections.

Maté says, “The loss of self is the essence of trauma.” 

What does the loss of self look like in adulthood? Dr. Shannon Michael Pater writes:

“The disconnection from our inner wisdom is often expressed as shame, the belief that something is wrong with us. It is the distrust or suppression of our intuition and impulses. It is experienced as a somatic disassociation with the sensations of our bodies and can become a vilification of our bodies. The disconnection from our inner wisdom can become a craving for certainty and a distrust of complexity. A separation from our inner wisdom might cause us to over-center external permission and approval instead of letting it rise from within.”

According to Maté and others, reconnecting with the innate wisdom of our bodies is the essence of healing from trauma. Our need for connection remains essential to our thriving as human beings, but we must find a way to be connected without sacrificing who we are.

Trauma therapist Aundi Kolber says, “In order to become a compassionate witness (both for ourselves and others) we must experience compassionate with-ness.” 

When someone sees and welcomes us with lovingkindness consistently, it makes space for us to see and welcome ourselves. 

Dr. James Finley describes the potentiality of this type of moment. “This is like a bookmark in your heart, and little by little, you can learn to stabilize in the inner clarity of your invincible preciousness, and your right to honor that.” 

Almost always, our way back to our own inner wisdom arises out of safety in connection with another (co-regulation). The safe ground of presence can offer us a haven where we can reclaim or strengthen our agency (permission that rises from within) and walk in our authenticity (secure, stable attunement to self). 

As we become more and more free and comfortable being ourselves and acting from our center, we are better able to attune to what’s happening in us and resource ourselves during stressful moments. We can also grow in our ability to stay connected to ourselves in the presence of others.

Agency and authenticity are the foundation for attachment, (secure and stable bonds with others).

All of these skills are components of regulation, which Pater illustrates in this chart. The elements flow into one another and support recovery and cultivation of inner wisdom.

You may be wondering why we are discussing neuroscience and trauma in the context of spiritual direction.

Disconnection from our inner wisdom disrupts all of our connections, including our connection with God/Spirit. Further, when we are disconnected from our inner wisdom are more likely to experience spiritual abuse. It is very common for trauma residue to surface in our bodies during conversations about our experiences in spiritual spaces while we are in a session. 

I’m also convinced that there is no line delineating what is spiritual from what is not. There’s nothing that cannot be said and witnessed in spiritual direction. 

A trauma-informed spiritual director has an appreciation for the ways trauma impacts all of our connections. We attend to our own ruptures and residues of pain so we can be present and hold space in a way that prioritizes safety. 

We aren’t attending to our directees therapeutically. We are opening together to what is happening in the present moment together with contemplative curiosity. Spiritual directors witness, name, and sometimes teach in context. All of this, with discernment, is in service to our directee connecting to wisdom. 

The fruit of this practice is a deepening awareness of our interconnectedness with everyone and everything. It is a radically loving act for all of the people in our lives.

Trauma-informed spiritual direction is one place* to experience “compassionate with-ness” – to BE WITH ourselves over time in the company of another – one who honors our agency, invites our authenticity, and trusts that our wisdom will naturally arise as our body intuits it is safe enough to offer it to us. 

*Trauma-informed spiritual direction is one of many places for us to be supported. It is not a replacement for therapy or other trauma modality. We are not “treating trauma” therapeutically. Spiritual direction and therapy complement each other well.

More about the resources than informed this post:

If you’d like to read more about the three A’s of regulation, see the second article in Pater’s series on Foundations of Trauma-Supporting Spiritual Care. The articles are free but require you to provide your email address and agree to the conditions 

If you’d like to hear more from Dr. Gabor Maté, this video is illustrated. He’s speaking specifically about addiction here, but the components I reference in the article apply to trauma in general.

You can find Aundi Kolber on Instagram at @aundikolber and at her website.