Please tell me what to do
THE GIFT OF NOT RECEIVING WHAT I THOUGHT I WANTED IN SPIRITUAL DIRECTION
In many of the churches I’ve attended over the years, faithfulness seemed to look like conforming to a narrow set of beliefs and behaviors. There were short lists of requirements and long lists of prohibitions. I had a gnawing sense that I wasn’t measuring up. My friends said they thought about “The Gospel” daily. I would go days at a time without thinking about God in the ways they described. This doesn’t mean their way of following Jesus was wrong. For me though, it wasn’t yielding the abundant life I longed for.
It’s not surprising that when I entered into Spiritual Direction, I walked in the door requesting a plan that would help me be a “better” Christian. I expected to work hard. I felt as if I was entering in with a deficit.
My director wouldn’t give into my pleas for a narrow way. She wouldn’t prescribe prayer practices. As I look back now, I see that in her wisdom, she resisted the human temptation to “fix” or “save” me. While this frustrated me at the time, it was probably the best gift I’ve ever received.
"The people who help us grow toward true self offer unconditional love, neither judging us to be deficient nor trying to force us to change, but accepting us exactly as we are,” offered Parker Palmer in “A Hidden Wholeness”. “And yet this unconditional love does not lead us to rest on our laurels. Instead it surrounds us with a charged force field that makes us want to grow from the inside out--a force field that is safe enough to take the risks and endure the failures that growth requires."
So, instead of giving me a plan, my director listened to me and to the Spirit of God in herself. She named patterns she heard in my stories. She held up a metaphorical mirror, reflecting back to me the beauty of my soul, my True Self. And even though my stories also revealed blind spots and ego schemes, she did not push back there, nor did she show signs of exasperation or disappointment. She helped me listen to my life, and to Christ in me.
I was able to see the ways I was already connecting with God in my life. Over time, I learned what following Jesus looks like for me. I’ve cultivated what Rose Mary Dougherty described as a “habit of discernment.” This is a lifelong journey of learning that involves reflecting on the raw material of my life—noticing pain points, joys, desires, regrets—listening for what the Spirit has to say to me there.
I’ve been meeting with this same director for over four years. (Spiritual direction relationships often last for many years.) She still won’t tell me what to do. And while at times I still want her to give me answers, I know that the loving strength she offers instead is fertile ground for the “slow work of God” in my life.
Would you like some company as you attune to the ways you attune to your life and unique way of experiencing God? Kirsten offers spacious accompaniment and trauma-informed spiritual direction. I’d love to hear what’s stirring in you and meet with you for a free exploration session.
