I’m Not Okay With This: A Spiritual Director on Moving From Spectator to Witness
Mixed-Media Collage by Kirsten Harrison
I saw a commercial on YouTube that gutted me. As a mom of queer young people and a friend to queer and trans beloveds, this commercial hit very close to home. Because this is something that matters to me deeply, I was able to spot the misinformation in it. It was clear to me that this commercial was created to stoke fear in parents about their kids being transgender and regretting their decision to medically transition.
The Collective Trauma Summit — Holding Space For Compassionate Witnessing
I had attended a global social witnessing event the day before I saw the commercial, as a part of the Collective Trauma Summit.
We gathered live, all over the world, to notice what it was like inside of us as we held various global crises in our awareness. We were encouraged to witness our experiences with compassion.
I noticed numbness — the overwhelm of so much suffering was blocking a channel — a part of me was holding some of the suffering at a distance.
Gathered in solidarity, we reflected and held space for ourselves and others. Something shifted in me that day.
I Was Not Numb Anymore
Seeing the commercial was as shocking as a slap in the face. I was not numb anymore.
I went to bed nauseated that night at the thought of human beings gathering around a table somewhere, or in a Zoom room, crafting a piece of propaganda to traumatize and fracture families.
I rarely use this word, but what they created had the stench of evil. My body recognized it immediately.
Why Stoke Transphobia In Parents?
Political Power?
Religious Power?
Economic Power?
Greed?
I can’t say for sure.
I’ve been studying trauma, and I recognized the subtle, but intentional ways this campaign was crafted to activate the nervous systems of parents (and others).
When activated, we are less connected to the part of our brain that can discern and use logic. We are, at best, less connected to our agency and our wisdom. Relationally, when we don’t feel safe, our drive for protection overrides our drive for connection. We begin to relate to others through fear instead of love.
I Wept In Anguish and Wailed in Rage
I went out to my office first thing the next morning to light a candle and cry. I wept in anguish and wailed in rage, knowing viscerally that this may kill children.
This commercial (and the movie it was promoting) was preying on the fears of loving parents. Parenting is hard enough as it is.
Tenderness, Love, Openheartedness + Ferocity and Willingness to Fight
After letting the wave of emotions move through me, I listened for what was mine to do. This is what has arisen over the past few weeks.
One of my favorite songs for the last little while has been calling to me — “Look to the sky with care my love, and speak the things you see.”
“I’ve had an image in my mind for the last period of time, that the world is a baby in our hands, and the baby’s running a fever. And if I were holding a baby, my baby in my arms and the baby were running a fever, I would feel two things that don’t always come together, that I think we need to bring together:
One is such a sense of tenderness and love and openheartedness; and also, such a sense of ferocity and willingness to fight and do whatever I need to do to get this baby well.”
Burger, a student of the late Elie Wiesel, a holocaust survivor whose life’s work was about moral wisdom, spoke a succinct directive, which also sticks with me over two years later:
“Never allow anyone to be humiliated in your presence.”
A Spiritual Practice — Moving From Spectator to Witness
As a listener, I was being invited to try a practice — to notice what it’s like for me to move from being a spectator to being a witness — what Tippett described as, “a more visible, courageous orientation.”
“It’s a very powerful starting point,” Burger says, “because it means that not only can you not humiliate someone, but you can’t be indifferent. You can’t be a bystander. You can’t allow things to happen — you are implicated in what happens.”
Tippett summarized the invitation from Burger, to “cultivate openness and thoughtfulness, rigorous thought, accountability, working for justice, listening, vulnerability, listening for those soul whispers.”
This practice has shaped me in large and small ways.
“Witnesses are activated people who now are telling other people’s stories,” said Tippett, “and not necessarily in a large, shiny way; it could be very humble; it could be small and modest.”
After listening to my “soul whispers,” I’m here as a witness.
True Belonging Demands That We Be Who We Are
To my LGBTQ+ siblings, I say, “This is not okay. I’m not okay with this.”
I see the ways the air we breathe is not safe for you in the ways it is for me, and I see the ways you are, in ALOK’s words, “offering a beautiful gesture, a courtesy to the collective.”
You are embodying a way of being in the world — we really can be ourselves, our “incandescent” selves.
Thank you.
In a different conversation with Krista Tippett, Brene Brown said,
“True belonging is a type of belonging that never requires us to be inauthentic or change who we are, but a type of belonging that demands who we are — that we be who we are — even when we jeopardize connection with other people.”
To my straight, cisgender siblings, I say, “This is not okay. I’m not okay with this.”
“When I started to look at belonging,” said Brown, “what I realized is that it is a spiritual practice, and it’s the spiritual practice of believing in ourselves and belonging to ourselves so fully that we find what’s sacred in not only being a part of something, like our DNA calls us to be, but also, we find sacred the need, on occasion, to stand alone in our values, in our beliefs, when we’re called to do that, as well.”
While my practice of being a witness is not new, inviting others into my practice is new.
Here’s my request to you…
I’m Asking You To Be Affected
I’m asking you to be affected — to join me in this practice of moving from spectator to witness — to listen to your soul’s whispers.
I’m asking you to notice what breaks your heart — what doesn’t feel right in your body — and to be curious about why.
The world is heavy with suffering right now — and each of us carries our particular version of “hard.” In my seasons of pain and sorrow, I feel more connected to the suffering of others. Suffering has a way of shaking us awake.
It’s the numbness that seems more dangerous to me. Our bodies cannot bear to witness the frequency and gravity of suffering that comes at us through screens. Our nervous systems cannot stay present to every potentiality.
I’m asking us to orient to each other’s preciousness like we are members of the same family — because we are — we were all created in the image and likeness of God.
It’s that simple and not at all easy. I can’t say what this looks like for you. We live in a time where it can be paralyzing to act for fear of saying or doing the “wrong thing.” We don’t want to be perceived as bad. We want to be perceived as good people. Lama Rod Owens’ book can speak to us here…
I Am Not A Good Person
In his new book The New Saints, Lama Rod Owens talks about how so much of our goodness these days is performative. He offers us a new way to think about goodness.
“I am not a good person. I can’t be a good person because goodness is more than something we perform or something we are. It is not an identity location we settle into.
Goodness is the choice I am making each moment to do what is conducive to freedom for me and others. Goodness is a verb that I am actively engaging with: I like to say, ‘I am gooding’ as opposed to ‘I am being good.’We practice goodness not because we want to be seen as good or because we want to experience happiness or even because it is what we are supposed to be doing. We choose goodness because it’s how we get free while inviting others to join us.”
Let’s Do Some Gooding
I’ve included invitations below for us to “good,” by getting proximate to each other — by orienting to each other’s preciousness.
I’m highlighting the theme of the commercial here — inviting us into the sacred humanity of trans folks and the lived experiences of families whose kids are trans.
This song came on as I was finishing my letter. The timing felt perfect. Will you sing it with me?
We are a peaceful, loving people,
and we are singing, singing for our lives.
We are young and old together,
and we are singing, singing for our lives.We are gay and straight together,
and we are singing, singing for our lives.
We are trans and cis together, and we are singing,
singing for our lives.We are justice-seeking people, and we are singing,
singing for our lives.
We are a land of many colors, and we are singing,
singing for our lives.We are a gentle, angry people
and we are singing, singing for our lives
We are gentle, we are angry, we are young, and we are old.
We are gay, straight, trans, cis, a land of many colors,
we’re a justice-seeking people
and we are singing, yes we’re still singing
and we will keep on singing,
because we’re singing for our lives.
I’m closing with words from ALOK that move me,
“I love you, all parts of you — the dysphoric parts, the anxious parts, the scared parts, the insecure parts, the self-hating parts — because every artery, every limb, every bone, every dream, makes you you.
And I’m so, so sorry that you’ve been punished for your magic. Made to feel like this world would be better off without you. I, for one, feel so lucky and blessed to be able to share this life with you.
And I need you here, your you, not theirs, your breath, your life is the most beautiful love poem I’ve ever heard.”
Love, Kirsten
Invitations
NOTICE: Will you hold whatever word or phrase sticks with you from this letter in your awareness and notice what arises in you (emotions, sensations, thoughts, questions, ideas, dreams, images, etc.)?
REFLECT: If something arises, consider talking about it with someone close, or journaling about it. If you pray, you may want to hold what you notice in prayer.
INGEST: I’m including a handful of resources. In the course of your days, will you pick one or two to include in your media diet?
Kirsten’s Resource Collection
Listen:
I recorded a poem for you in a voice memo about another way to view the word impossible, which fans the flame of hope within me.
Watch:
A 2-minute video clip on the stakes of this kind of love.
A moving eulogy that contextualizes the ways this work matters.
A 20-minute video of ALOK talking with Jamie Lee Curtis.
Because the commercial I mentioned contains misinformation aimed at parents, I’m including this documentary that speaks to the experience of families whose lived experience tell another story.
A documentary about “how the lives of conservative, Christian mothers are transformed when they decide to accept their LGBTQ+ children.”
Encountering this documentary called me into a deeper, action-oriented solidarity. The atmosphere of love in the scene with friends and family in North Carolina is a place that I return to in my heart time and time again. It’s available to watch on Paramount Plus.
A friend sent me this Ted Talk last night after reading a draft of this letter. It’s about how we engage with others as human beings.
Follow:
Here’s one of my favorite artists/activists to follow on Instagram and learn from on topics like gender, belonging, and love. They have merch, including a book of poetry I’ll include in the “Read” section.
The Pocket Project is a non-profit organization dedicated to Global Social Witnessing and offers free events every month.
Read:
Related Blog Posts: Love and Scacity Can’t Co-Exist, What Will People Think?, I Want to Live Out of Tune, This I Know: A Spacious Conversation About Inclusive Christianity
If you find resonance in this post and would like to read more about spacious spiritual direction and accompaniment, please visit my offerings page.
