Coming Home: Finding Fluency in My Inner Landscape

Anchoring Into Present-Moment Safety

Over the past five years, I’ve been learning about trauma. I’ve studied neuroscience and theory — not only for the sake of gaining knowledge — but to apply what I was learning to my life and my practice.

I’ve been accompanied as I’ve glanced with compassion and curiosity at my pain, and I’ve been supported as I’ve witnessed and integrated it.

I now understand that for years, my body was often responding to present-moment situations through the lenses of my past pain. I did not have the skills to anchor into present-moment safety, and without present-moment safety, my capacity for secure, safe, and stable connections was diminished.

I didn’t understand how to sift through my body’s intelligent survival strategies (fawn, freeze, fight, flee, etc.) with compassion and listen for wisdom.

It was confusing to be an adult who sometimes lost access to clear thinking. I have felt a lot of shame in and after moments I could not show up in the ways I can when my body feels safe.

Cultivate the Capacity to Witness My Experience

I am now familiar with what it feels like to be “home”— to be grounded and regulated in a space where I can see myself and others from a place of compassion.

I’m learning to recognize the signals my body sends me — somatic cues, thought patterns, felt senses — to witness what’s happening in me at a granular level so I can stay connected to the choices I have.

These signals help me notice when I’m leaving “home,” when I’m away from home but still have the choice to return, and when my body has completely taken over in the present moment to protect me and home is a long way off.

Even when I’m not able to connect with safety in that moment, I have found that this learning has fundamentally changed the way I interpret these moments when I reflect on them, and it has reduced the harm I cause to myself and others when I am in pain.

This fluency paired with stable, secure connection with a guide has helped me cultivate the capacity to witness my experience and to resource myself.

As long as we have bodies, there will be times when we are disconnected from present-moment safety.

Finding fluency in my body’s signals doesn’t mean life is easy or that I’m perfect, it means that I am learning. The learning has happened little by little in the tiniest of increments that I’ve savored the heck out of.

Becoming a Compassionate Witness to Myself and For Others

At some point, I noticed that as I entered a situation I expected to be very difficult relationally, I was at ease. I thought perhaps this was a fluke, but then it happened again, my heart stayed open and I was attuned to my experience and my choices.

Apprenticing with Dr. Shannon Michael Pater was the place where all of this learning came together for me. His influence took something theoretical and helped me embody the concepts organically.

With his blessing, I am incorporating his Neuro-Mystical Landscape Model into my offerings. The model integrates applied Polyvagal Theory, applied Internal Family Systems Theory, applied Attachment Theory, Window of Tolerance into a model that invites engagement with the concepts in a non-formulaic way.

I bring my own language, experience and a lifetime of study to this model. I also understand that not everyone is interested in learning theory. It is my hope to simplify these concepts into entry points for everyday folks who want to benefit from them without having to learn an entirely new vocabulary.

Dr. Pater and I will also be introducing collaborative offerings soon, including an apprenticeship for spiritual care providers, retreats, and course offerings that have a teaching and practice component.

This is not a one-size-fits-all model. It’s a slow and steady integration and applied theory into your particular life. If this sounds interesting, I’d love to hear from you.

Would you like some company or gentle guidance as you listen for wisdom and explore new ways of engaging with your soul? I offer spacious accompaniment and trauma-informed spiritual direction. I’d love to hear what’s stirring in you and meet with you for a free exploration session.